Alternatives Cafe’

•February 15, 2009 • Leave a Comment


I am just trying to do some promoting so if you read this visit the site


Have a nice day!


Dark Moon

•January 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment


Every month
on the dark moon
you appear

Every month
on the dark moon
things feel weird

Every month
on the dark moonglilargedanceofthenaturespirits
you cause pain

Every month
on the dark moon
its been in vein

Every month
on the dark moon
not a word is spoken

Every month
on the dark moon
I wonder if I am your token
what do you want from me
why are you here
why can’t you make things clear
until they are

I wait
for that month
on the dark moon
to be at peace, no more fear


People and Crud!

•January 4, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The call

I saw the doctor on X-mas eve in the afternoon, I had blood work done and my anemia has gotten far worse.  Rather than sending me to the hospital I begged her to let me enjoy X-Mas with my family, so she sent me home with the worst possible test you could have to do in the world.  It is horrifying and I refuse to ever do that myself again.  Every time I had to do it I got sick!!!! 


Just before new years I had to go to the doctor again and turn in this test and have blood work done again.  The test came back with some bad results.  I am still waiting on the results of the blood work.  My doctor was waiting to decide her next course of action when it comes to me. 

She thinks I might possibly have Chromes disease.  (sorry if I spelled that wrong) So I am going to be tested for that and other things she is just trying to get a second opinoin on what they want to try first before they put me through all of that torture.  She explained to me what they have to do to test for that and I cried and cried and cried.  I really do not want to do this!  I just wish I could wake up one morning healed! 

Good news though the pills that I am taking to get the fluid off my legs and what not are definately working.  Not that you want to know but I pee constantly lol.  Course it doesnt help that my mother who is convinced that I can wash away all this bad by drinking water gives me a 64 oz cup of water and has me sit there and drink it then continually fills it back up!  I have officially lost 35 lbs. since thanksgiving.  I have to say it does feel better and I can walk around quite a bit easier. 

I have been extremely tired, but my doctor told me I need to be resting.  I slept nearly the entire day before dec 30.  I just have nothing left to give.  I have never had this happen before where my whole body is so tired that I sometimes can hardly speak.  It is very painful.  I push and push and push to get myself to try and keep up with normal healthy people. 

I just wish more people would understand how it feels for me every single day that I wake up.  Everyone thinks they have the answer.  None of the people that think they do have ever had medical training at all.  Most of them barely passed high school! 

I had a huge melt  down one night because I am sick of people treating me like they know and telling me what to do.  Trying to get me to go against doctors wishes.  Yes I am more than happy to help people out who have been helping me, but don’t try to tell me to do things that are going to put me in even more pain.  I have barely been eating half the time because I just end up getting sick anyway, and here these people are eating heaping plates and having two or three plates full and sweets after that, telling me I need to excersize more and all this, keeping in mind I had been doing things for them all day long and had not sat down most of the day.  I cleaned their bathroom, did their laundry, took care of their animals, did their dishes, and cleaned two other rooms in their house.   So yes I was very tired by that point.  My sister was too, she was getting all the pet hair off of everything and it took her most of the day.  I am not even supposed to be doing the things I have been according to my doc because it could make things worse.  And hear he is wanting me to do even more than that.  Then on top of things everyone else just kind of sat there and basically I was told I have to just deal with him being rude to me and treating me like crap because sometimes he does nice things for me.  ok! 

So if this guy buys me a rose tomorrow then the next day decides he wants to beat the crap out of me is that ok too???  I mean he did do something nice for me! 

I blew up!!!!!!  Right then I just sat there and wished I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.  I am tired of being put in the middle of things and sticking up for people but no one having my back when it comes down to it.  I am tired of being so fucking sick all the time and no one really caring about it, just wishing I looked different.   

I wish I looked different too, and you know what I am trying which is more than most of the people around me are doing while they are shoveling more and more food in, and sitting on their butt in their room eating everything that doesnt eat them first!  I just can’t take this anymore.  No one really knows what it is like to be me.  To have doctors sit their and tell you at age 26 and 27 that you could very well die from this.  To feel your body dying from the inside out. 

I truly think people know when they are dying.  You can feel it.  Not that anyone wants to hear this because most people are in denial about what is going on with me.  But I guess its time that people open their eyes and be for real before its too late.  I am not going to tip toe for people anymore.  I need to take care of me the best I can and start listening to my doctor so I can be alive as long as possible.  I do not want to die at age 27 people!!!  I am not asking for a lot here I just want people to understand when you do things like that and put me in the middle of Unnecessary things my blood pressure goes way up.  When I do things I shouldn’t be doing I am putting more strain on my kidneys.  My heart starts to pound and pound and pound and feels like it will pop straight out of my chest and hurts like the devil. 

Yes I do enjoy walking around the store or the mall or even outside when its not too icy or too cold. 

I have been having spiking high tempertures so when it is that cold I don’t like to be outside because it tends to make things worse!  My friend used me as a heater because she was cold yesterday and I had such a bad fever that people could feel the heat off me from just sitting near me.  Your welcome Marie!

I am sorry for ranting on but these things need to be said and since the people that I am referring to won’t let me talk or explain things I guess you can see it in writing if you still don’t get it after that I might just stop coming around you because I have to start thinking about those kinds of things and doing what is best for me for a change. 


•September 30, 2008 • Leave a Comment

It is strange how things become popular, just a few short years ago I loved the llama song, when many people found it annoying and would throw it out, and now today I find out that it is becoming one of the most popular videos on youtube.  What changed people minds?  I used to wear all black and dye my hair strange colors, as well as crimp it and I have love new kids on the block forever.  I still have my bed sheets and the dolls.  I never stopped listening to them.  For many years people have said mean comments about it, and I have been shunned, and people have said mean things about the group.  I never cared though I still listened to them and watched their movies.  Now that they are back and a new thing they are all sorts of popular again, I have even had people trying to offer me money for my things, which they can kiss my toosh a year ago they thought my things were stupid and were calling the group fags.  A true fan of something is someone who likes it even through the less popular times.  I can’t turn a corner now without seeing people wearing what looks to be pieces from my closet.  using my hairdos and all these things that people would shun me for, and even go so far as accuse me of being on druge because I wore those type of clothes.  That often pissed me off!!!!!!!!


•September 23, 2008 • Leave a Comment

There are so many things in life that people take for granted, and do not realize what a miracle they have been given.  A tree every year all by itself losing its leaves, and growing them back again.  A cat having kittens and instinctively knowing what to do, they don’t read all these books that we have, they just know.  The sun pearing out from behind those dark clouds to give you warmth on a day when you feel so cold. 

The rain falling when the ground has been dry for so long, that people are afraid of fires starting.  The phone ringing with the person you miss the most on the other end, saying I will be there in five minutes.  Feeling love in the most unusual and dreadful times in your life. 

Living for years, when your doctor told you that you wouldn’t make it 6 months.  These miracles happen everyday, but most of us are too busy to notice.  Having a child is by far the biggest miracle god can give anyone.  To watch as it grows inside you, is just miraculous.  To see them after their birth and how they know the voices of the people around them on that very first day, then to watch as they grow into these tiny little humans and each so unique, growing into their own person.  Looking so different from what you thought they would look like.  Everyone kind of guesses when the baby is born who it looks like, and as the child grows you see the characteristics become their very own.  Sometimes its as if they want to prove everyone and everything wrong becoming something so different than what people first thought.  Sometimes becoming the most amazing people anyone can ever meet, and others becoming the people that others are afraid of. 

It is just amazing what love can do.  Love can change that person that everyone is afraid of into a person that everyone admires, and a gentle being.


Ordinary Miracle By Sarah McLachlan

It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

The sky knows when its time to snow,
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday;
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own.

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls,
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Birds in winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away;
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle.
Ordinary miracle

Do you want to see a miracle?
ohh ohh ohh, ohhh ohh ohh…

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night.
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.
ohh ohh ohh, ohh ohhh ohh…
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

Fall is almost here

•September 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

As the cool breeze comes in through the window and blows my hair from my face, I feel that fall is approaching us.  The summer smells have gone, things are starting to pass on, the new borns in the spring are now moving away from their creaters, and becoming their own individual selves.  The stores are all about having sweaters and thick pants, all the shorts and tank tops are being boxed up for next year.  Soon Christmas will be upon us.  Just 3 months and 5 days from now.  It seems the world turned so much faster this year.  Like some force was pushing it along.

I hope with the new year comes a lot of love and luck.  All I want more than anything is a place to call home.

check out my site to see my newest cute graphics and more.

Iowa vs. Iowa state

•September 12, 2008 • Leave a Comment

This weekend is the big Iowa vs. Iowa state game.  It is all over TV. and radio.. OMG!!  people making football planters, and football things that hold chips and pretzels..  and all this other crap that no one really ever needs.  I mean why cant people just simply get together and watch the game without going out and spending a ton of money on things that will more than likely get thrown out and only used for this game and maybe again when the super bowl comes around.  Many of the people that I have seen getting all hyped up are not even real foot ball fans they get excited over those two games, and go all out, then complain cuz they have no money.  Well DUH!!!!!!!!!! 

Just use a bowl you already have or leave the chips in the bag..  Plant your plants in the ground and just chill out.  People who are really into football arent going to care if you have weird planters and forks shaped like goal posts.  Do not complain when they dont notice because I tried to tell you. 

That sort of thing has always gotten on my nerves.. the people that complain constantly because they are so broke but then the same day or the next they are at the mall buying more outfits they dont need or other junk like a new purse on top of their 50 purses they already have.  Listen people its called a budget!! pay your damn bills first!!!  then have fun with left over.. save some of it just in case..  Do not come to me asking for money constantly when you could have used your own money rather than going to the store and buying things that just pile up and you end up throwing out..  Clean and organize your things.  You will be surprised what you find.  Just because the infomercial says something is cool and that everybody needs one that does not really mean that you do.  They just want your money.  damn!!!!!!!! 

I should really work on my swearing.  I just get so worked up when people keep doing the same thing over and over and always want me to bail them out but at the same time they dont want to do anything about it.  I have my own problems people.  I am not talking about everyone here so dont get all defensive but if this has made you think then try to consider those things.  I am actually talking about only two people in particular who are on my last nerve right now. 

On to happier news.  I hope that Iowa state wins this game.  I really like that team and pretty much always have.