What will tomorrow bring me?

Today I turned on the tv to hear about Estelle Getty dying.  She played the older lady Sophia on Golden Girls.  When I saw that it was like hearing that my grandmother had passed away all over again.  I was already really down anyway for reasons that are completely complicated and most people would not understand. 

There are just so many shitty things going on right now and it sucks ass.  I just want someone to be there for me.  Someone who wont say anything and just give me a hug.  I had that this week from the most unexpected person.  Its weird because the person wasnt really there for me but ended up being a great comfort and I appreciated their company.  What sucks is the person is continually rediculed since then.  I dont know what to do.  He is always there to listen and shows his face when he knows or thinks its needed.  I understand that sometimes to some people it may not seem like a lot but to a person that can be on the outside of that it means the world to see that someone would do that.  I can be right next to someone at times or very near and not get even close to the same gesture.  All I get is more drama thrown at me.  Someone was supposed to be there for me this week, when I need them the most and completely lied and bailed on me.  I had appoints that had to be called last minute to be cancelled, and after this people stopped returning my calls thinking that I was the one being flakey when it wasnt me at all. 

Here I sit continuing to get worse and not knowing what to do about it.  Pain is taking over nearly every inch of my body.  I try so hard to remain ok with it and be happy and smile but even a small kid sitting on my lap is excrushiating!  I know I get very short tempered lately, but I can not help it I feel as if my head might explode half of the time, and that my heart is going to pound right out of my chest.  I start to panic at times and go to the restroom to try to calm down and usually end up getting sick.  I haven’t kept anything down for a couple days atleast now.  I dont know what to do..

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~ by skeys1981 on July 22, 2008.

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