Do you ever look at someone and notice how absolutely beautiful their skin is?  I do that all the time.  I know I am a weirdo ok.  As my man and I hold hands I look at how beautiful the contrast is between our two very different skin tones.  Mine a very pale white and his so dark mocha colored and smooth.  He is such an awesome person and I love him dearly.  I have been missing him like crazy lately.  It seems everytime we make plans something goes wrong.  We have barely had any time since easter.  That feels like an eternity. 

On a side note..  sometimes I tire of being the one who is stuck in the middle of things.  I just cant win no matter what.  If I give bad news it some how ends up being blamed on me.  If I know too much I am making things up.  Its like fine fuck you all and leave me out of it.  I am just trying to help make things easier since we dont have a whole lot of ways to get a hold of one another.  dam!!!  I love you guys I really do but you have got to stop that stuff.  I cant handle it.  Just get along we all know you love each other get over it and kiss already.  LOL..

side note #2:  I keep getting this hang over type feeling no other way to describe it if I sit or lean in certain ways I get all dizzy and about pass out it sucks ass cuz I havent drank.  Yesterday I nearly got sick every time this happened.  I cant figure out what the heck is causing it so if anyone has any clues please let me know……….



Adults.. to be or not to be?!?

In life you see and hear things that you never want to.  Yesterday was just one of those days.  I saw a boy who usually is someone everyone kind of thinks of as a pain in the ass stick up for something and do something very heroic!  It was so great!  I also though saw him nearly get the tar kicked out of him for it and get yelled at for it by someone.  Not to mention have people call him a liar and many other things. 

I would just like to put it out there for any kids who read this.  Never ever be afriad to do whats right and tell the truth it might seem weird for a bit but in the end you will be glad you did.  Just think of it like this another kid didnt say something and that kid was in trouble for it.  But what if some people got in trouble for something and although you didnt want any part of it you didnt say anything so you could end up being talked to by cops and many other bad things as well as those other people.

Side note… Adults need to grow up and realize what is right and what is wrong.  Do not threaten to beat a kids ass for doing something you, yourself just did.  example: throwing a fit and breaking something as an adult.  Not to mention people need to realize where their priorities lie… If you dont want your kids then give them to someone who will love and care for them the way they need to be.  If Drugs and random sex are going to be more important than your children then you just need to not have kids.  No child should have to be put in that situation or in a situation where they feel they have to lie because they are scared your boyfriend/exhusband is going to harm them when they get home!  Children are the best gift you can be given you need to open your fucking eyes and realize that those precious kids need you.  Quit being a dumb whore.  I am not afraid of you or that sawd off piece of shit that you call a man.  If you dont do something I plan to!!!!!!!!!!!!

For a good reason

When taking classes you learn about things in the book that are completely different in the real life situation. In the book its easy to not get emotional or think that the system we live in is total crap. Finding out that you are not allowed to spend the time that the patient needs and finish them up so they don’t end up with sores or have the water they need things like that because one they wont hire enough people to accurately care for the residents and two the people who work at places do not care about a fucking thing but themself and when they get to clock out. By law when a person weighs over a certain amount there should be two people lifting the person to do things with them. They do not hire enough people to be able to do that and then the people who are working end up with injuries from lifting too much and people get dropped and not able to be cared for properly. Then there are the people who work somewhere and even though they aren’t supposed to they run their mouth about the residents outside of work or while working call up people or watch movies or chit chat with the other people working rather than helping the residents.

Any way during my rotation I had to work at some places that I was absolutely disgusted by. I saw a lady clean a womans genital area then go across the room and do oral care for another resident without changing gloves washing hands or even cleaning up the mess from working with the other resident. I saw people yell at residents for things they can not control. Scream at them for asking for help. I also saw people hiding from residents and making fun of others. There was a lady in tears because she over heard some of the people making fun of her and she wanted to leave.

One of the things though without all that drama and rediculousness that I can not handle is the concept of DNR.. do not resesitate. Knowing there is something I know how to do and not being able to help and having to sit there and just watch someone die just ate away at me like none other. This happened on my very first day within the first 15 minutes. I kind of went into like a shell shock from it because the rest of that day was a blur. On the drive home I had a break down went to my mothers still freaking out and she talked me down out of it. I didn’t want to go back. I did however go back to all the rest of the things I had to go to. I was working in field when I decided as a personal decision that I couldnt do this anymore. I was drinking like crazy just to deal with the things that went on when I came home from work. To the point sometimes I would be sick. I was getting extremely depressed and just could not do it. I do like volunteering but doing that day in and day out as a career I can not ever do. I would end up dead from overdose or alcohol poisoning.

Am I here?

I just want to get my homework done but I simply can not think all I can do is cry right now.  All I wanted was a hug and can’t even get that.  I held back not telling someone something cuz something in my body told me that either the person was just saying shit cuz he wanted something or he just wanted to see what I would say I dont know.  I told people these things and they made me feel bad for thinking it.  Well I told him yes then he freakin starts in and is a total creep.  He said hes changed his mind.  Then said if he had been with one of my friends and said their name..  that he wouldnt have had so many problems.  He said that within our group of friends myself and the other persons boyfriend thing are the problem.  Atleast if him and my friend were together she would have wanted to be near him and would have done things with him.  Then I said something like im sorry not everything in my life is about my private areas.  Afterwhich he told me he wished he would have asked her out and not me and asked her the question then they would be happy.  Started telling me all the things they would do together.  Then he tried to tell me she had a problem with me anyway.  I tried asking her if there was and she says no but at the same time does not want me anywhere in the same area..  Its days like this when I am already hurting like hell and people are being asses that I wish I wouldnt have lived.  I hate that I keep promises.  I hate that I won’t just do it again.  How many promises did u break to me?  Does it really matter if I promised anyone?  Why?  They all leave anyway

sometimes I wonder if I am in some sort of cruel hell and I really did die…  that is why things repeat over and over that hurt so much.