Measuring Up

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“There I sit all broken hearted, come to poop but only farted!”

That quote describes my existence as a human being.   I set out to get something done, and end up screwing it up, pissing people off, and disappointing everyone.

I remember one of the first times I let down my father.   I was in the 3rd grade. I had been studying for this math test for a long time.   I took it, and thought I had done ok, until the next day when the teacher handed them back and while doing so mentioned only one person got an A, when the name was announced and it wasn’t me my heart sank into my stomach.

I turned my paper over and there was my first C.   We had inside recreation that day in the gym and all I could do was to sit in the bleachers and cry.   I was terrified to go home and tell him what my grade was.

I calmed down until it was time to go home, then I really freaked out.   I came in and told him at which time he gave me one of the longest, loudest, and most angry lectures of my life.   “A’s and B’s are up here!!!   C’s, D’s, and F’s are down there!!!” he said as he pointed at the floor.   I was grounded.

From then on it has been screw up after screw up.   I dated the “wrong people,” by the wrong people I mean not white (yes my father is like that), I lived in crappy apartments, had weirdo friends, like tattoos, and I’m a fat ass!

It’s very annoying, everyone in my family has a kid that they idolize and is their favorite.   They make it very blatantly obvious, when at the same time they say, “No, we love you all equally!”

BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My grandfather was on his deathbed (he died later that night) and two of my relatives while I’m sitting their crying, saw this as an opportunity to tell me how fat I am and that I need to get out and walk more.   Keep in mind, I myself have been in and out of the hospital because of a medical condition (which has nothing to do with being fat) since August.

When I first started getting sick I was a lot smaller (6 or more sizes) than I am now.   If any of those people would have asked what’s going on with me rather than running their mouths I could have told and shown them, my body is retaining a bunch of fluid because of my medical condition.   On top of that I am under strict orders from my pain in the rear doctors to not lift, bend, twist, or be on my feet alot.   The procedures for my condition are not only expensive, but time consuming and the most painful thing ever.

Sometimes I wonder if they think I’m faking.   I don’t know, but it’s just hurtful.   At the same time though, trust me, I would not fake this.   It hurts, I look like hell, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I wish it would either go away or I would just not wake up.

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~ by skeys1981 on April 30, 2007.

 
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