Measuring Up

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“There I sit all broken hearted, come to poop but only farted!”

That quote describes my existence as a human being.   I set out to get something done, and end up screwing it up, pissing people off, and disappointing everyone.

I remember one of the first times I let down my father.   I was in the 3rd grade. I had been studying for this math test for a long time.   I took it, and thought I had done ok, until the next day when the teacher handed them back and while doing so mentioned only one person got an A, when the name was announced and it wasn’t me my heart sank into my stomach.

I turned my paper over and there was my first C.   We had inside recreation that day in the gym and all I could do was to sit in the bleachers and cry.   I was terrified to go home and tell him what my grade was.

I calmed down until it was time to go home, then I really freaked out.   I came in and told him at which time he gave me one of the longest, loudest, and most angry lectures of my life.   “A’s and B’s are up here!!!   C’s, D’s, and F’s are down there!!!” he said as he pointed at the floor.   I was grounded.

From then on it has been screw up after screw up.   I dated the “wrong people,” by the wrong people I mean not white (yes my father is like that), I lived in crappy apartments, had weirdo friends, like tattoos, and I’m a fat ass!

It’s very annoying, everyone in my family has a kid that they idolize and is their favorite.   They make it very blatantly obvious, when at the same time they say, “No, we love you all equally!”

BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My grandfather was on his deathbed (he died later that night) and two of my relatives while I’m sitting their crying, saw this as an opportunity to tell me how fat I am and that I need to get out and walk more.   Keep in mind, I myself have been in and out of the hospital because of a medical condition (which has nothing to do with being fat) since August.

When I first started getting sick I was a lot smaller (6 or more sizes) than I am now.   If any of those people would have asked what’s going on with me rather than running their mouths I could have told and shown them, my body is retaining a bunch of fluid because of my medical condition.   On top of that I am under strict orders from my pain in the rear doctors to not lift, bend, twist, or be on my feet alot.   The procedures for my condition are not only expensive, but time consuming and the most painful thing ever.

Sometimes I wonder if they think I’m faking.   I don’t know, but it’s just hurtful.   At the same time though, trust me, I would not fake this.   It hurts, I look like hell, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I wish it would either go away or I would just not wake up.

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Ugly Duckling

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What exactly does a person have to do to be a respected memeber of a family?   What I mean by that is to not be an outcast, the person no one wants to talk to or be around, and for people not to roll their eyes at your very existence.

It really hurts me sometimes when I am out here just kind of forgotten, especially whe I can at least e-mail people usually several times a week!!!   I usually hear about things once they are already over.

Everything really starts to bother me particularly when I do nearly everthing to seek their approval.   They didn’t like my piercings so I took them out.   They didn’t like some of the things I did like going to bars so I stopped going.

I have taken my younger sister to the mall on a small shopping spree and catered to her every need during the month of her birthday becasue she was also getting married.   I found out she took the stuff back and bought something silly.   On top of that she was a totally rude snot.

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Left Behind

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Where are you now?
Do you remember me?
Are you in pain?
Do you still know the memories we shared?
How did this happen?
Did you leave too soon?
Everything seemed so sudden for me.   One day you were here checking on me and fixing my car.   Then I called to see how you both were doing and you had a stomach ache.   I insisted you go see the doctor.

Looking back I might not have if I would have known it would be our last phone conversation together.

Day after day in the hospital you faded more and more.   I wished and prayed you would walk out and be back to normal.   I could not say good-bye because I didn’t want you to go.

The phone startled me at 4 AM.   Finally at 7 AM what they had said hit me.

I waited the whole day watching out the window, hoping you would pull in my driveway on one of your weekly visits.   Holding the phone in my hand, waiting for your voice to say, “Hello beautiful, how are you today?”   You still have not come.   I now try to keep my curtains closed, mainly so I won’t obsess.

Even now weeks later I can’t think of you without crying hysterically.   I drove from my home to Altoona Wal-Mart which takes me past the cemetery where you are buried and the apartment where you lived.   I could not breathe or function for nearly an hour I sat in the car in the parking lot.   I just don’t understand why you?   Why now?

My car broke down the other day and I first thought of you, until the split moment came and I realized youweren’t there anymore.   I was very grateful for who did come.

I will forever cherish your memory and always miss and love you.                                       ~ April 27, 2007 ~

Singledom

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I admit there are days when I miss singlehood and I think about how I could just do whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it.   However usually mid-thought something happens that reminds me why I hope that we are never apart.There is nothing like waking up next to the person you love and breathing them in because that cologne, perfume, body wash, or whatever just smells so good it makes your temperature rise.   There is also nothing better than seeing why you know there is a god… that person’s sexy flesh, because they are running around the house half naked.   All I can say is mmm mmm good!!!

I will never forget when JP was getting a little nervous because I hadn’t been able to OOOH and AAWWW over him in a while.   He decided to take a picture with his cell phone of himself right out of the shower.   I opened the e-mail and nearly choked to death on my water because I was in class and so not expecting it.   It was HOT!!!

I do have to say it is the little things that make me want a moment to never end, like looking into their beautiful eyes, getting that morning hugs, kisses, and “I love you’s”, or the very awesome cuddles on the sofa.   Not to mention the dorky things like teasing one another, sharing an ice cream, and doing anything we can to see the other person smile and hear the cute giggle.

In case there was any doubt… I LOVE YOU with ALL MY HEART and SOUL, BABY!!!           ~ April 26, 2007 ~

Rainy Day

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Today I sit here wondering why in the world anyone would choose to live in such a state.   It is nearly May, and I am wearing full-out winter clothing and still shivering, I am afraid if I don’t move around enough my butt cheeks my freeze together.  Then I look out the window in front of me and see all the fresh air and the rain drops coming down while the ducks waddle around and splash in the puddles, it is beautiful.  

Animals have such innocence to them.   The horse across the street in the pasture rolls around on the ground on its back with its legs in the air like a dog would.   Every time I see that I start to giggle.  

My cat I have to say is one of the funniest creatures you will ever find.   She makes this quacking sound when she sees a fly and tries her hardest to jump up and whack it with her paw.   Then there are birds outside that we often feed so they keep coming back.   She sits in the window sill and waits and watches they fly up almost taunting her, and she jumps up trying to get them and her head hits the window and usually she falls out of the window.   She never learns either, because she repeats that several times a day until she sees something else that she wants to conquer then its trot trot trot down the hall…     ~ April 25, 2007 ~

Wonder Child

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I am continually fascinated with the human mind and how it works.   Like how certain things can vividly still be implanted in my mind that are from many years past, and how things from last week I barely remember.  

I remember the first steps that my younger sister Ashley took.   She walked back and forth between my sister Cheryl and I until she could strike out on her own.   We were all so proud of her.   I wanted to take her everywhere with me after that.   I was always very attached to her.   I helped teach her many things; including riding a bike, learning to swim, and reading.  

For whatever reason we had a connection like no one else and I understood her to a point where I knew what she needed to be able to learn the things that came naturally for other people.   Many people were very short with her and got annoyed easily.   To me she has always been this awesome girl that fought so hard.   She is so courageous, and can do anything if she sets her mind to it, and when she does look out, because no one will get in her way.

Now that her and I are so far apart I often feel so alone, because for the longest time we were practically inseperable.   I charish any time that we do get together.   She is now this grown woman getting ready to strike out on her own.   It seems like yesterday I was still holding the back of her bicycle seat and holding her up in the water, and teaching her the sounds of the letters, as well as 2×2 and the little tricks to memorize!   I can vividly remember all these things like they were yesterday, but I don’t remember the day she became this awesome independent lady.           ~ April 24, 2007 ~